Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark review

My Gatling Guns have Gatling Guns, Yo!

Review written by
Griffin Cost

July 1st, 2014

First of all, you're welcome for not making my tagline a reference to "More than meets the eye." That joke was dead eons ago and I'm not going to be the prick who tries to use it for a cheap laugh. Transformers has evolved from its childish, cartoony roots, and likewise, this review will be reminiscent of what Transformers has blossomed into, rather than what it used to be.

Let us welcome the Cybertronian flower that the great Michael Bay himself has nurtured, by fashioning our thanks in the same tone and style he has cultivated his masterpieces with. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark, the third game in the series originally started by High Moon Studios, and a defacto movie tie-in with Transformers: Age of Extinction...

Aight, chillins, so Transformas: Uprise o' da' Deezy Speezy, it like some cray robots wit cray guns and dey blowing da earth da heyelll up! Son, one brotha to anotha brotha from anotha motha dis game hype as it gets. Story somethin' REAL, man, like Lockdown, real OG come up in a spaceship pumpin' his robo-pecs up in here, he got da' dak spak, and he like, WOAH! Time stop! 'Splosions! Then the samurai robot's like 'I MUSTA DEFENDUH THE WORRD FROM TYRRENNEE!' den does some Metal Gear Rising blade dash- aw hell nah this ninja OG! Then you on, like, Cybertron, and it's all gone Detroit, like nobody there 'cept giant bugs an' bug people-then the bug people join da'crew, then you the autobots- man, I ain't spoilin' nuttin, but mm-MMM dats good macguffin.

Den da guns got guns on dey guns, and deres a butt-ton o' guns on dey guns. Den you got da heavy guns, and dey big, but dey don't got no guns on dey guns, dey got dat BOOM BOOM POW! And den you can go lemme upgrade, an' like, you upgrade dem guns like you Drake startin from da bottom! Got some hacks, dey add challenge, like a test or sometin, where you get mo' paper but enemies start exploding or dey get all swole n' tough as da hood. Dats tough, yo. Real deep, like 2Chainz meets Edga Allen Po-shizzle, fo' rizzle!

I'm going to get shot for writing this, aren't I?

Oh, right, dere paper in dis game aight, 'cept its called XP like some nerdy white boy RPG crap, but dis diff'rent! Yeah, this Diff'rent! When you level up you get a box a' goodies callin 'Gear Box', n' dis give you da bones ta upgrade- LEMME UPGRADE- dem guns on dey guns. Ya know wha-I'm-sayn?

Dey ain't no multiplaya #DaStruggle. But dat music off da hook, my brotha.

Game solid a' de streets, few bugs, nuttin serious, and it long 'nough to make even dose girls' at IGN satisfied. YA HERRD! All 'dem robots di-verse wit different powas' n' abilities, and dey vehicle transformin reeeaal smooth. Like, I ain't sayin nobody's names, but like, I got dis friend, got out a' three tickets, he was dat smooth, dat's how smooth these robo-gangstas be trippin into cars n' planes n' it.

Aight, peace out, no discrimination, love yo' mamas, no hate, 420 k00laid I'M OUT, DAWG! AWWWWWOOOH!

All blatant racism aside (WHICH I DO NOT ACTUALLY CONDONE) (Someone's going to think I'm serious, I'm sure of it), this game is really fun, multiplayer or not, and the level of quality shown in War for Cybertron shines through, even in light of a few frame rate issues.

I do not hate African-Americans, Native Americans, White people, Indians, those of Latin descent, or Asians. I especially don't hate Asians, because there's more to a person...

Than meets the eyes.