The Letter review

OH. MY. GOD.

Review written by
Griffin Cost

July 14th, 2014

Of all the thoughts The Letter raised as I suffered through it, all the confusing, demonic, twisted wisps of consciousness, only one has survived, only one nags at the back of my head, one simple word encompassing my entire experience with this intolerable spawn...

Why?

Why, I ask, would Nintendo peddle a game on its digital marketplace that takes 50 minutes to download and less than 10 to fully complete? I'm not talking just beat the story mode, mind you, I'm talking 100%, you've done everything, pass go, collect your dollars, have a nice day, COMPLETE. This game, selling at two dollars, took me about nine minutes to complete. That's 22 cents a minute. Not even phone companies charge that much, for Christ's sake!

Why would the developers release a game they made for less than 400 dollars, when their budget was supposed to be astronomically higher? In a first person game with no options and no ability to pause save for pressing the Home button, why would they invert the vertical axis like it was Blazing Angels or a Third Person Shooter, then make the controls the clumsiest I've ever experienced? Why would they allow graphics that look like something my fellow students and I made in Bryce in our 10th grade animation class?

Why would they give this game blaring volume, a single-digit library of sounds, and music so shoddily put together that one of the tracks included the mic tester asking "Hello? Can you hear me?". And why- nay, HOW- did they manage to make first level, whose composition consists only of a single room with a single door, whose only objective was to pick up a single letter, so confusing I actually had to look up a video walkthrough to figure out what to do?

Why? I deserve answers, dammit! Why was this Citizen Kane of stupid rated T for violence and blood when there's no violence or combat in the entire game? Why was it designed to look like Slender? Why does every item look like it can be picked up, when only a handful per level are actually able to be?

Why are the characters so one-dimensional? Why was the story so incomprehensible? Why was it revealed to all be a dream at the end? Why did the loading screens take as long as the actual freaking game? Why was it called "The Letter" when the only letter you pick up throughout this six minute hell is in the first level? Why is there a demonic teddy bear in every level just staring at you?

WHY?

I owe Van Helsing an apology. I owe Tank! Tank! Tank! an apology. I feel like I need to go to church to wash this horrific piece of software from the recesses of my blackened soul. If I could make these sliders at the bottom of the screen go lower than 1/10, I would. For the first time in my life, I can't say ANYTHING good about what I've just played. Do not buy this game. Not even as a joke. If you want a good laugh, look it up on YouTube, but I got this free through the site and I still feel entitled to a refund. The Letter isn't worth your time, dime, or the half-gigabyte of space it takes up. I'm done with this abomination.

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